I Still Sleep with a Stuffed Animal
- Rachel Jones
- Jun 11, 2017
- 3 min read
I sleep with a stuffed animal nearly every single night. I am also an adult. I have a job, I drive a nice car, save money, and pay my credit card bill on time, but I still sleep with a stuffed animal. This, in all honesty, is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I have my reasons behind it.
Boaz. The large teddy bear with a big red bow on his chest (this is part of why I call him Boaz) who sits on my bed. As a Valentine's present, he was given to me on a snowy night by my best friend who is my own form of the man from the Bible (resulting in the other reason he is named Boaz). Because he was given to me by someone I treasure with my whole heart, Boaz the fuzzy teddy bear is something I hold close as part of a memory of that sweet night and the amazing person who gave him to me.
He has been sitting on my bed ever since that night, whether we were at college or at home. He is there when my other Boaz physically cannot be. When we finally have to say "Goodnight" and hang up the phone, I typically find tears rolling down my face not much later. I wonder how I'll get to sleep as I crawl into bed, tasting salty tears on my tongue. I turn off my lamp, roll over to wrap my arms and legs around my large, soft bear. Soon, the tears dissipate and my head dips further into his fur as I drift off to sleep.
Boaz has been through it all. He has served as an extra bit of warmth on the most bone chilling nights. He has heard the cuss words that slip from my mouth, witnessed a few temper explosions, seen many smiles, been my cushion when laughter hurts too much to sit upright, and soaked up his fair share of my tears in his brown fur. When heartache overtakes me and I crumble in desperate prayer to God, I find myself clutching him with all sorts of physical strength I never knew I had.
I have anxiety.
Anxiety is not just something that goes away. It ebbs and flows. It is up and down like a roller coaster. It is chaos in the midst of which I typically desire no more than a tight hug. When it smashes into me like a train at midnight and everyone else is already dreaming, Boaz's furry body is there for me to grip tight and hope that maybe I can get a grip, myself.
More than any of that, Boaz is a reminder that I have at least one person out there who loves me unconditionally, and continues to love me that way with each passing day. There are numerous people out there who love me. I sleep with a stuffed animal at night not because Boaz is the only thing I have to hold onto, but because it is easy to lose sight of how many peoples' hearts hold me close no matter the circumstance. This is all why I curl myself up around a big brown teddy bear when I go to sleep, and, after all of the things considered in this post, maybe I shouldn't be the only one.
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