Even a Christian Gets It

"You couldn't possibly understand when you've never known anything else."

These exact words have never been spoken to me, but various forms of them have. Many have taken it upon themselves to assume that my beliefs make me blind to other perceptions of the world around us. Because I am who I am, there is no way I could understand what it is like to be disliked, to feel empty, to feel broken, or to be torn on what to believe. What most fail to realize is that Christians are not immune to or unaffected by the changing world we live in. They are not church-going robots, and they are not always hard-headed or stubborn to the point where they refuse to listen or consider other opinions. I have been labeled and avoided by some of my best friends due to the idea that all I have ever known is Christianity, but that simply is not true. Here's why . . .

I have felt hatred in my heart more times than I would ever care to admit. Sometimes, ignoring a person I dislike or delivering a sharp response seems better than taking a moment to appreciate the fact that they are another human being, after all. I have verbally damaged others and entertained thoughts that I am sure Cain could relate to. Therefore, being a Christian does not mean I have not felt hatred. I am flawed.

I remember being torn on what to believe about gay marriage. It had never really been introduced to me until a few years ago. As a child, it never really struck me as a possibility that a man would want to marry another man. After having talked to friends, it seemed logical for it to be okay. I dove into my Bible and found that what my friends had told me collided in absolute opposition to the Word of God, and I was torn. I was confused, because I had heard it was not wrong, but here, God told me it was. Part of me did not want to believe it, but the more I prayed and the more I read, I realized homosexuality was wrong. It was not what God intended for His creation. In the classroom, too, I was taught that the existence of God was a figment of man's imagination, developed to evoke a sense of hope in a place other than himself. Everything had been created through the Big Bang and perfected through evolution. This, too, all seemed logical as evidence was presented to me in fossil records and DNA, so I answered questions as my teachers desired and received exceptional scores. However, I knew in my heart that they had not given me the full truth, because the truth was Love. The truth is Love. I knew Love then and I know Love now, and He created the world I see, potentially through evolution, but nonetheless, it is His. Therefore, being a Christian does not mean I have not been challenged in my beliefs and it does not mean I will not be numerous times in the future. I am confused.

The makeup stains I rediscover occasionally on my pillows dredge up awful memories from my swamps of sadness. It is not hard to take myself back to a pitch black bedroom and feel hot tears coat my cheeks. My mind is quick to recover the feeling of gut-wrenching pain, worse than broken bones. It is in these moments on life's bottom rung that He has shown me compassion and hope. I have been refined, and am being refined each day. I still fall, and He still lifts me up. Therefore, being a Christian does not mean my heart and soul are not cracked. I am broken.

There are times when not enough doors are open, but there are also times where too many wait eagerly for me to approach them. Knowing where to turn is a struggle I face frequently. Unfortunately, turning to Jesus is not always my first desire. I long for other circumstances and people, and this proves to be detrimental not only in my relationship with God but also with everyone else who plays a role in my life. I drag my loved ones along on a wild ride as my heart races out of control and I try to figure out "where He wants me to go." Some days, I believe He desires for me to be solely with this or that person, and I find myself caught in a whirlwind of possibilities with no simple answer. He corrects me, and sometimes, it is extremely painful. However, I know that if my heart is to be calmed and focused, whatever He determines should be released, ought to be. I am a child with a heart on fire. I fall in love too easily. Despite my lack of consistency, God never fails to love me and guide me back into His arms. Therefore, being a Christian does not mean I do not lust or make other idols for myself. I am, my heart is, a harlot.

People push and shove. The visible bruises fade, but it is the ones inflicted upon the heart that may never heal. Fat, judgmental, ugly, stupid, lazy, boring, homophobic, insignificant, and the list goes on. Come closer, I'll open my heart and show you how each wound has grown and festered. Being a Christian already makes me a target for insults apart from the other ones I have previously named. I have wounds and cracks that I will remember for the rest of my life, but in Him I will be perfected. I am learning how to stand in the midst of a storm, and that my bleeding gashes are closed and cauterized in His fire. Therefore, being a Christian does not mean I will sit idly by. I am a warrior.

I do not understand all situations people face, but being God's daughter does not mean that life has come easy in every way. I have doubted and hated and lusted. I have been pushed around just as any other human being has, but the difference is that I possess something that not everyone else does. I have the love of Jesus Christ in my heart, making me an unstoppable force. He is teaching me every single day that love is not a feeling but an action and that the toughest battles are won when the enemy finds me on my knees. I couldn't possibly understand? Try me.

#God #Love #War #Win #Fight